A Child's Questions When a Parent Has Cancer

When a child finds out that one of his parents has cancer, they will have many questions on their mind, many that they will not ask. When appropriate, it may be better to answer some questions before they are asked. It may be hard for them to talk about or ask questions of their peers or family members so a support group for children who have a parent with cancer may be helpful. Some questions they may have are:

• Why did my mom or dad get cancer?
  
• Did I do something that made them get cancer?
  
• Who did my mom "catch" cancer from?
  
• Since Dad got cancer will Mom get sick too?
  
• Will I catch cancer too?
  
• Will Mom or Dad's hair come out?
  
• Will my mom and dad still be able to take care of me?
  
• Will we lose our home since Dad can't work anymore?
  
• Will we have food to eat since Mom is not able to cook?
  
• Will my friends at school know about Mom or Dad's cancer?
  
• Should I talk to my friends about it?
  
• Will people treat me differently?
  
• Will I still be able to do things I want to do?
  
• Will Mom or Dad still do fun things with me?
  
• Who will take care of Mom or Dad?
  
• When will the medicine from the doctor make Mom or Dad's cancer go away?
  
• Will my mom or dad die from cancer?
  
• Who will take care of me if they die?

Children can feel very isolated when a parent is sick and may think that no one else has the same feelings and worries. They may be angry and act out because they are so confused. They may think that cancer is like a cold and they may catch it too. They may wonder why the medicine isn't making mommy better like it always does them. They may be afraid their parent will die and wonder who will take care of them.

It may be helpful for the child to join a support group of children who have a family member with cancer. The support group should be lead by a professional therapist who is knowledgeable about cancer and the issues it raises for families. They may feel more comfortable asking questions and may be reassured by the other children's experiences; they will not feel so alone in their worries and fears.

Children often get pushed to the side so they will be protected from the worry of seeing their parent sick. This often worries the child more because he or she doesn't know what is going on. Children often tell us what they are feeling by how they act. A quiet child may become more silent and withdrawn; an active child may become extremely hyperactive. They may become afraid to be away from a parent and have trouble sleeping. Teenagers may sleep a lot, have trouble in school and seem more distant than usual. Some children express emotional stress with physical symptoms like headaches and stomachaches. They may seem tired or sad a lot of the time.

Any change in your child's behavior may be a red flag that they need some attention and reassurance. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. It is hard to fight a serious illness like cancer and be able to take care of your child's emotional needs as well. Though it is difficult, try to be as honest and straightforward about your illness as your child's age and emotional maturity allows. Most children are resilient and capable of living with the difficulties in life if they are offered the chance to help and they are able to express their feelings without the fear of being criticized or made fun of.

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